Ask Anne: Relationship Advice
Ask Anne
Relationship Questions

Is it my fault if my family falls apart after he cheats?

My husband had an affair for 5 months before I found out about it. When I did find out, the affair continued for at least another 2 months- with him refusing to move out and I had no where to go. I'm 750 miles from my family, have 2 kids and no money. During this time he basically gave me a chance to "prove I could be the woman he married 7 yrs ago" but he wasn't going to stop seeing her, and he did it openly. I wasn't allowed to give him grief about it if I wanted to hold my family together for my kids or he'd walk. I even had to beg & bargain just so he'd have her stop contacting him when he was with me- and even then I was told it only if she agreed & I got to hear about how unfair it was to her.

Obviously as time went on things got a bit too much for me to handle and I said some extremely hurtful things which caused him to move in with a friend. He immediately changed his mind and wanted to come back home, but I just couldn't let him. I just wanted some time to deal with everything that had happened. He had just admitted that he was talking to her again after he'd told me 2 weeks before that it was over. The wasn't the last time I was told that only to find out a week later that they had been talking.

Things have gone down hill since then, with him pushing to come home and I just cant let him, he's said some very ugly stuff that made me draw away. We eventually got to the point where I couldn't do anything to show that I was willing to try to make things work, and am being told that its my fault the family is falling apart. That I'm just holding onto the pain and wallowing in self pity but I really don't feel that is the case. I don't feel anger towards him, I really want him to be happy. I'm just tired of hurting and I will admit that its very hard of me to get past all the things that I went through, the begging the being told about how she feels and her rights, the fact that before I knew what was going on he had her at our house for Thanksgiving dinner, they cooked in my kitchen together because I had just had surgery and couldn't. I believe he is sincerely sorry for what happened and that he's ready to try to make our marriage work. I just can't let him back in.

Is he right to blame me and tell me that its my fault that the marriage is failing? Am I being selfish? I'm so tired of my head going in circles, an un-biased opinion would be greatly appreciated.



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